Thursday, June 13, 2013

I HATE peas...ergo, so should you!

I can hardly stand to even look at this picture! Thank goodness that smell-o-vision isn't a technology that is available yet or I would be trying to type while forcing the contents of my stomach to stay put. Looking at the little green morsels is bad enough but smelling them? NO WAY! I don't even allow a sealed can of evil things in my kitchen cabinets. I despise, no, I abhor, no I detest peas. Why do I hate them with such fervor? Goodness, where to start?

I've already mentioned their sickening stench so I will move on to the--gag--taste. If you are looking for a great form of torture then just plop one of them into your mouth. Not only will your taste buds suddenly be accosted by the nasty goo but you also will experience the sensation of the little bugger squishing in your mouth! Yuck! One bite and the orb becomes a mash of baby food. Really, does this look appetizing? (If it does, you need therapy. Stat.)
Ever since my first introduction to these little balls-o-blech I have hated them. Perhaps when I was but a mere babe did I eat the things without throwing up--but then again, I don't recall. Maybe I suppressed those wretched memories. I hope the answer is that I launched them back at the hands (and face) that fed me in the same style as Linda Blair and was never fed the Pisum Sativum ever again. Good grief, even their scientific name WARNS you they taste like....well, you know. It is my job, nay my DUTY, to sound the alarm to the unsuspecting masses! Oh, you may think that you like them. You might even have a can or two in your kitchen because they aren't 'that bad.' But what if someone is standing in the vegetable section at their favorite market RIGHT NOW reading this blog, vacillating between loading their cart with peas or spinach. Let me help them make that choice! Trust me, I am an expert on Peas...TAKE THE SPINACH!
Did my eloquent soliloquy, full of righteous indignation at the audacity of the pea even being allowed on this plant to defile the world simply by being in it, help to sway your opinion of peas? Did you drop that can in the aisle and run before spending your hard earned cash on the little green tidbits of horror?

Okay, enough ranting on the poor peas. No, I haven't lost my marbles (although that is always a distinct possibility with a writer--we can crack at any moment) or gone off my medication (nor need any, thank you very much). My little rant, full of pompous arrogance about my views/thoughts/opinions on peas being superior to the masses and thus, strictly adhered to is my way of dealing with the few less-than-stellar reviews I have received during the last two years as a published author.

I knew that because of the graphic nature of the story line that some individuals would not care for it. I also was aware that the language might be a bit of a stretch for some to handle. I figured that some people might not like my work, which was fine. But the vicious and sometimes personal attacks against me threw me for a loop. Some of them were so ridiculous that I laughed out loud. Some were obvious trolls and appeared the minute I hit #1. Those I let slide off my back (the skin of which has gotten much tougher in the last twenty-four months).

But others--they hurt. Simple as that. As a writer, you release your blood, sweat, tears and heart onto the pages, creating a fully grown, living piece of yourself built from words. Then someone comes along who can't stomach your book and decides to shred you to pieces. These lovely souls are known as 'critics' in polite society. Behind closed doors, they are known by much harsher names. Words truly are powerful. Depending upon how they are written, they are capable of uplifting, positive thoughts or negative, hateful ones. They can be strung together in a way that causes the reader to cry, laugh, scream, shake or hold their breath. Oh, but if they are written with the sole purpose of shredding someone to the bone, it only takes a few sentences to flay someone.

Try to remember that before you write or speak something negative today. Because what goes around ALWAYS comes back...sometimes twofold.

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